I have called Nicole cancer journey a marathon not a 5K. I am not a runner. Run and fun do not belong together in my world. To me running is hard. Sister Dalton described some thoughts she had about running the Boston marathon. She said there are hills the longest and steepest is called "Heartbreak" hill for a reason. Along the journey we have faced many "heartbreak" hills. At times along this journey I just want to curl up into a ball and say "this is so hard"!! I often felt alone over the past two and half years because Nicole has been so isolated and people have been afraid or not known what to do. Each one of us have trials that stretch us physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. However, there are many people who have lined the streets to cheer us on. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that even at times when I feel no one really understands what we are going through and I feel lost. I know that our Savior knows. He does strengthen us and He does help us and He does cause us to stand.
Sister Dalton: "Several years ago, I had the opportunity to run the Boston Marathon. I had trained hard and felt I was prepared, but at mile 20 there are hills. The locals call the steepest and longest hill Heartbreak Hill. When I reached that point, I was physically spent. The hill was long, and because I was a novice, I allowed myself to do something no seasoned runner ever does—I started to think negatively. This slowed my pace, so I tried to think positively and visualize the finish line. But as I did this, I suddenly realized that I was in a big city, there were thousands of people lining the route, and I had not made any arrangements to locate my husband at the end of the marathon. I felt lost and alone, and I started to cry. I was wearing a big red T-shirt with the word Utah printed on the front in big block letters. As the spectators saw that I was crying, they would yell, “Keep going, Utah.” “Don’t cry, Utah.” “You’re almost finished, Utah.” But I knew I wasn’t, and I was lost. I also knew that even if I stopped running and dropped out of the race, I would still be lost.
Do any of you ever feel like you’re running up Heartbreak Hill and that even though there are people lining the route, you are alone? That’s how I felt. So I did what every one of you would do—I began to pray right there on that marathon route. I told Heavenly Father that I was alone and that I was on a hill. I told Him that I was discouraged and afraid and that I felt lost. I asked for help and strength to be steadfast and to finish the race. As I continued to run, these words came into my mind:
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. "(https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/at-all-times-in-all-things-and-in-all-places?)
We haven't crossed the finish line yet. We still have a long road ahead. Even once we are out of the hospital they will be watching Nicole closely. She has at least 18 months of being immune compromised. Then years of watch care for relapse and long-term effects of radiation and chemotherapy.
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Nicole vomited up her NJ tube last night. We decided to leave it out for now because her all her meds but one are IV. She will take the one orally. In this picture Nicole I was trying to get Nicole to smile for me. She keep saying "no smile."
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