75 Days Post-Transplant - And Why This Blog?

Nicole has made it 75 days from her second bone marrow transplant!

We are still hoping that we can bring her home to Hyrum in another 25 days, but the doctors still need to figure out what the problem is with her platelets.

...

When Nicole was diagnosed with the ALL relapse back in February, our oldest daughter, Kersten, created this blog as a way to communicate what was happening with Nicole from week to week to anyone interested in knowing.  But as Cathy has indicated, almost immediately, if unconsciously, we extended the purpose of this blog to be a kind of journal, and as a result, we typically share some feelings that are deeply personal on the blog.

In March, one of my best friends from childhood asked me how I could write about intimate experiences and feelings and be comfortable putting those on a blog where a billion complete strangers could read it if they wanted to.

The short answer to that question is, "I don't know."  As my friend who asked this question knows, I am a private person.  I don't enjoy "reality TV" shows, and I definitely don't want to participate in one, and social media of any form just isn't my thing.

The long answer is still, "I don't know," but for Cathy and me it seems both emotionally dishonest and pointless to post a detached, clinical "infomercial" on what Nicole is going through.

During Nicole's first battle with Leukemia, we sent out text messages, which were a draining and inefficient method of communication, and really couldn't reach everyone that wanted to stay informed about Nicole.  However, neither Cathy or I think we could have done a blog at that time either.  We also didn't have Facebook back then, but Facebook isn't the right venue either.

But this time around, Cathy and I both feel this blog is important, and we feel prompted to express our thoughts and feelings on it, and the fact is, I doubt many "strangers" ever get to this site.  And for those who do, along with all of our family, friends, and other "strangers" who are pulling for Nicole, we hope that each person who reads here leaves with a greater determination to, "Never give in.  Never give in.  Never, never, never..." (Winston Churchill, "The Complete Speeches of Winston S. Churchill," edited by Robert Rhodes James ), during the many trials that each of us face throughout our lives.

We sincerely hope that anyone who reads this blog will be strengthened to meet and overcome the personal challenges that they are facing, whatever they may be.  For me, Nicole is a living testament to the tender mercies of a loving Father in Heaven, and also to the resilience of the human spirit.  The Savior said:
Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.  (Matthew 5:14-16.)

Nicole is too young to express her story herself, but if this blog can become a window through which each person who reads it can both see and feel the light and love of our Savior in their own life, then we are happy to share what we can of her journey.  I know that Christ is the True Light of the world (see 3 Nephi 15:9 and many others).  The nature of mortality is to test our faith in God and His promises, and to refine us into gold, into people that are like He is (see Abraham 3:24-26, Isaiah 1:25, 48:10), and I know that He sustains us through our afflictions as we look to Him in faith.

Foundations

Nicole and I spend a lot of time driving.  It gives us a way to get out of the house and do something.  She sits in her car seat and sings to the music. We may drive to the Great Salt Lake, or out to the east bench of Salt Lake.  We go as far south as the point of the mountain and as far north as Layton. Most of the time I drive through the back roads.  Being back in the area where I grew up brings back many memories.  I miss a few of my favorite things, like Scotts (It had the best turkey sandwiches), and the rocket ship at nearby park, and my old high school - it was torn down to build a huge new high school. 

This is the place where my foundation was built.  As I drive I think a lot about my childhood and the people who helped build my foundation.  When I think about the priesthood I think of my priesthood dad.  I honestly don't know if I could think of a better role model.  (When his son came to give me a blessing I could see his dad through his eyes.)  Then his wife; she has been an example of motherhood that I try to emulate.  I think of Mom Tuck and Craig (her son).  Mom Tuck always had faith that I would make it.  She taught me to trust in miracles and to have my eye on the temple.  Craig taught me to face challenges with a smile and to endure to the end.  The Failner family taught me to enjoy life.  To enjoy being married.  The Stanleys taught me to always have my door open and to laugh.  There was always laughter in their home.  The Brixeys also taught me to have an open door and a couch to sit on.  I miss their couch.  I loved going over after school and just sharing my day with Cleo.  Each of these homes were centered around the Savior. 

I often use this analogy of the church organization:  Primary is where we build the child's foundation.  In young men and young women we are adding walls and decorating their home.  Relief Society and the Priesthood are maintenance workers who fix leaky pips and holes in the wall.  So the foundation had better be solid.

My foundation isn't perfect; it does have a lot of cracks in it.  I am grateful for loving visiting teachers and friends who help fill in the gap.  I am grateful for my sisters and brother who are always there.  I am grateful for a husband who loves me despite my "cracks" and for my children who help lift me.

I know this blog is about Nicole and her journey, but it is also for Nicole.  I want her to know more than just the facts of what she's been through; I want her to know about lessons that have been taught and learned.  I do keep a personal journal for her that has some of my most personal feelings and explains them in more depth then I can on a blog, but the blog also helps to put things into context and tie them together into a timeline.

Moments

Nicole had clinic today (8-29-14) just to check her platelet count.  Her platelets were at 32 which means she didn't need a transfusion today.  The labs they drew a few days ago to see if they could figure out what was wrong with her platelets got contaminated somehow.  They drew more again today so hopefully we will soon figure out what is going on.    They also looked at her GVHD rash and they feel it looks the same.  They want me to put her steroid cream on three times a day instead of just twice.

When I found out we were going to have a surprise package in 2011, I had a lot of emotions.  I was 40 and my youngest child was 7.  I then thought I would have the privilege of being able to rock the baby and spend a lot of time with this little one.  It had been 19 years since I only had one baby to care for.  At the time I didn't know the roller coaster we were about to get on.  I didn't know that I would have months where I couldn't hold her because she was so sick.  I didn't know that I wouldn't have the quiet nights in the rocking chair where I could nurse in the quiet of the house and just snuggle. I didn't know how much Leukemia would steal from us.  However, this journey is a reminder to find the joy.  Life is made up of little moments.  The other day was one of those moments; I actually had a shower uninterrupted.  I so enjoyed it!!  But my motherly instinct had me wondering what I would find when I got out:)  Nicole was happily sitting on her bed putting band-aids on her arms, legs, shirt, and my favorite, her head.  I love these moments of normalcy of having a toddler!

Elder Ballard once said:  "recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/daughters-of-god?lang=eng)

 

Platelet Multiple Choice Quiz

I haven't written on the blog for two months and Cathy would like a break, so here we go:

Yesterday (Monday, 8/25), Nicole developed a rash, mostly on her elbows, knees, and neck.  We decided since we already had a clinic appointment the next day that we'd just wait and the doctor could look at it then - it didn't seem serious enough to warrant a phone call to PCMC.  24 hours later, the rash had spread to much of her body, and we were glad to be taking her in to have the bone marrow team look at it.

The doctor estimated that about 20% of the total surface area of Nicole's skin is now affected by the rash.  Based on his estimate, I think it was probably 5% or less just the day before, so a big change in 24 hours.  Anyway, they have diagnosed this as a clear indicator that Nicole has Grade 1 Graft Versus Host Disease (GVHD), with Grade 1 being the mildest on the scale.  They are happy about this because, statistically, transplant patients who experience some GVHD are less likely to relapse - essentially the new bone marrow is battling with Nicole's body and hopefully that includes any residual Leukemia that may still be lurking, which is obviously a good thing.  However, if the GVHD becomes too severe, it can be damaging, and potentially life-threatening.  At this point, they don't want to go after it and try to suppress it, so they proscribed some topical steroid cream that needs to be rubbed into her skin twice a day.  This should help alleviate the rash, but will not really impact the GVHD itself.  If the rash doesn't respond to the cream and gets worse, they will have to take a more aggressive approach to try to control the GVHD; hopefully it doesn't come to that - steroids and the associated medicines that go with it are just miserable.

In other news, all of the test results are back from Nicole's bone marrow aspiration: Everything looks excellent, every single parameter is exactly what the doctors want to see, which is super...

Except that the doctors still don't know what is going on with her platelets.  And they were down to 8k today, so they infused her with platelets again.

Just to give some perspective, about a week after Nicole was released from the hospital on July 5th, she received platelets and for a short time her platelet count remained good - her body seemed to be producing its own platelets.  But then they began to drop steadily, with no plateau or up-tick, just downward about 1k per day until she hit 9k on 8/18 and they gave her a second infusion.  3 days after the infusion, on 8/21, her platelets were at around 52k, but just 5 days after that (today), she's back down to 8k.

So, as I said, everything is great, except for the fact that if the doctors were to stop giving her platelets, Nicole would die.  It is dangerous just to have her count below 15k because mild to serious internal bleeding is likely to occur; the lower the count, the greater the risk.

We still don't know why Nicole's body isn't producing platelets, and the doctors are just speculating at this point, which leads to the multiple choice question:

Nicole's body is not producing platelets because...
a)  Her immune system is mistakenly producing a platelet anti-body that is destroying her platelets.
          (The doctors are now running a test to check for this.)
b)  An undetected virus is destroying her platelets.
c)  The GVHD is destroying her platelets.
d)  None of the above.

Unfortunately, the elusive answer to this question is vastly more important than the sum total of all the answers to every quiz I've ever taken in school.  Nicole has another clinic visit this Friday (8/29), and she will probably need more platelets.

Fortunately though, our Heavenly Father does, in fact, know all of the answers, and thus the most important question of all is, what is His will concerning Nicole?  As has often been the case on this journey, the Spirit of God whispers to me, "James, be patient."  And so I shall.

Woot! Woot! Good news...

We heard from the bone marrow team last night with some early results from Nicole's bone marrow aspiration.  Her marrow is clean:)

I know I didn't really explain what they were looking for.  With Nicole's low platelets the bone marrow doctors were concerned that Nicole had relapsed or the transplant was failing.  They usually do not do a bone aspiration until 85 to 100 days after transplant.  It is always worrisome when the doctors feel they need to do one earlier than that.  We still do not know why her platelets are not producing on their own yet.  However, we are still waiting on more test results, and hopefully the other lab results will help the doctors piece that together.  We have a clinic visit scheduled on Tuesday and hopefully we will know more.

During this week I have also thought a lot about Martha and Mary in the New Testament.  I have read and studied their accounts often in the Bible.  During this week I have thought how we need those who are the "Martha" who is "cumbered about with much serving"  (Luke 10:40); we so appreciated the meals, and the lawn mowed.  But we are also grateful for the those who are the "Mary"  who "also sat....(at our feet)..and heard (our) words" (Luke 10:39).  There are so many different ways to serve.  How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who sent people to lift our spirits and to carry us during this stressful week.

Eventually we get the food off her face and into her mouth.  We love our speech therapist who comes each week to help Nicole overcome her oral aversion.

 

Did you think to pray?

Nicole had another clinic visit today with her bone marrow aspiration.  Her blood work is looking good.  We don't know the result from the aspiration yet.  We should know by Tuesday what is going on.  For now it is just a waiting a game. 

As I woke up this morning the first words in my mind were the word to the hymn "Did you think to pray" third verse:
 When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?
[“Did You Think to Pray?” Hymns, 2002, no. 140]

I hadn't even left my bed when the Lord was sending a reminder to not forget Him this morning.  How grateful I am for prayer.  How grateful I am that our Father in Heaven hasn't forgotten me.  We are never "out of sight out of mind" to Him.  He is mindful of us.  He has sent reminders this week that He remembers me through dear friends feeling a prompting and acting on those promptings.  He was reminding me this morning to remember Him.  To remember He is there for me.  He knows my heart and what is really going on with Nicole more then I do.  He always has a non-judgmental ear.

Nicole was camera shy today!

I finally got a picture of her!

Liahona of light

It was another long clinic visit today (August 18, 2014).  Her platelets where down to 9.   She finally got her platelet transfusion 😉  I've been frustrated that it's taken so long before they would give her a transfusion.  Nicole should be producing her own platelets by now. They are concerned enough that they want to do a bone marrow aspiration on Thursday (August 21, 2014) to see what the next course of action will be.

Nicole also had a lot stool output the past few days.  They are doing a stool sample to see if she has an infection, GVHD (Graft Versus Host Disease - this where her body is fighting the new bone marrow) or her body is just adjusting to the feeds increase.  The results will take at least 24 hours.

Today is the last day of her anti-rejection medication.  Exciting but also scary!!

This week while I have been waiting on Nicole platelets to go up on their own or drop low enough that the bone marrow team would give her a transfusion, my mind turned to my patriarchal blessing.  In it are words of strength and words of comfort.  It lets me know that my Heavenly Father knows me.  He knew what challenges I would have and He knows my weaknesses. 

In our mortal state we have a lot of unknowns right now with Nicole.  The unknown is always stressful.  Through the past almost three years, my patriarchal blessing has been a source of strength and peace.  Our Father in Heaven is mindful of each one of us.  He set a personal course for each person.  This course is designed personally to help us return to Him.

Elder Faust said: "Our blessings can encourage us when we are discouraged, strengthen us when we are fearful, comfort us when we sorrow, give us courage when we are filled with anxiety, and lift us up when we are weak in spirit. Our testimonies can be strengthened every time we read our patriarchal blessings."  (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/priesthood-blessings)

President Monson also has taught: "Your patriarchal blessing will see you through the darkest night.
Your patriarchal blessing is your passport to peace in this life. It is a Liahona of light to guide you unerringly to your heavenly home." (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/your-patriarchal-blessing-a-liahona-of-light?)

She loves her kindle fire💗

Loving having some sister time💕

Spending some time together with much needed family time this weekend🎆

This is how we spend time at clinic.
Nicole would stand against the wall, count to ten then run and give me a big hug😍

Friendship

Nicole had another clinic visit today. (8-11-2014)  As we walked in to the hospital a feeling of such love and security encircled me.  As we were heading toward the elevator to go to clinic we ran into one of the ICS nurses.  She stopped and visited and gave little Nicole a warm hug.  As we entered clinic there was a comforting feeling of familiarity as we waited to go back for Nicole vitals.  The tech that was there today has such a sweet spirit, plus her tender husband is one of the nurses that has taken care of Nicole since she was a tiny baby.  As Nicole was getting her vitals we had another great visit from one of her neighbors while we were inpatient, Luke and his parents heard Nicole and came to say Hi.  (This is a common experience when we go to clinic. We always find a friend to brighten our day) One of the joys of the journey are the people I have meet. Each has a special place in my heart and how grateful I am the friendship continues on the other side of the veil.

I am also forever grateful for my childhood friends. They have helped build my foundation that I have needed to go on this journey.  I am grateful for so many people whose "friendship never failed".  They are too many to name and I hope they know who they are and that I am grateful for them.

Elder Marlin K. Jensen said, "The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that “friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of ‘Mormonism.’”    That thought ought to inspire and motivate all of us because I feel that friendship is a fundamental need of our world. I think in all of us there is a profound longing for friendship, a deep yearning for the satisfaction and security that close and lasting relationships can give. Perhaps one reason the scriptures make little specific mention of the principle of friendship is because it should be manifest quite naturally as we live the gospel. In fact, if the consummate Christian attribute of charity has a first cousin, it is friendship. To paraphrase the Apostle Paul slightly, friendship “suffereth long, and is kind; [friendship] envieth not; … seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; … [friendship] never faileth.”  ^{(https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/04/friendship-a-gospel-principle)}

Of course there is my Eternal friend, James.  He has been my rock and confidant.  I know that I can trust him with my heart.  "In a poignant letter written by the Prophet Joseph Smith to his wife, Emma, during the separations and tribulations of Missouri, he comforted her by saying, “Oh my affectionate Emma, I want you to remember that I am a true and faithful friend, to you and the children, forever.” "(https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/04/friendship-a-gospel-principle)  It is hard to be to be separated as a family. I know that I am in James' constant thoughts and prayers. 

Nicole's clinic visit today was to check on her platelet counts.  Her platelets are at 16.  As you remember they need to be at 15 before they will do a transfusion.  They decided to cancel Nicole LP's for now (remember LP's are when Nicole will receive chemotherapy into her spine).  I don't know how long they will postpone this part of the treatment, all I know is they want her blood counts to improve on their own before they give her more chemotherapy.   Nothing is ever set in stone until it's over😉

"Trust Jesus"

Nicole had some small rashes on her neck and lower leg that looked like petechiae.  (Petechiae is a sign of her platelets being too low). Her platelet level been going down with each visit and when the level gets below 15 they will give her a platelet transfusion.  After I called about my concern the nurse practitioner called back letting me know that Nicole IVIG was low. (IVIG transfusin is antibodies extracted from the plasma of the blood donor.  It usually takes about 1000 blood donor for one dose of IVIG).  Friday, August 9, we went for an unplanned clinic visit.  Nicole received IVIG. (It is given the same as any other blood transfusion.  Nicole is always pre-medicated.  Nicole had reaction to this in the past.)   It takes about 3 hours for the transfusion.  She also had a CBC and her platelets are down to 17.  They want her to come back on Monday for another CBC and she will probably need a platelet transfusion.  Unless her platelets decide to go up on their own this weekend. (unlikely)

Each time I did a little studying this week it seems the same theme keeps coming up "Trust in the Lord".   I have loved this story by Elder Holland since I first heard it.  I love how it illustrates the faith of child!   This week as I read it.  I thought of the tired worn out mother.  How she " lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better." (D&C 25:10) When the mom returned home from the temple, just as the people of Nephi when the savior visited the earth, she was taught by a child "even babes did open their mouths and utter marvelous things" (3 Nephi 26:16)

"Katie Lewis is my neighbor. Her father, Randy, is my bishop; her mother, Melanie, is a saint. And her older brother, Jimmie, is battling leukemia.

Sister Lewis recently recounted for me the unspeakable fear and grief that came to their family when Jimmie’s illness was diagnosed. She spoke of the tears and the waves of sorrow that any mother would experience with a prognosis as grim as Jimmie’s was. But like the faithful Latter-day Saints they are, the Lewises turned to God with urgency and with faith and with hope. They fasted and prayed, prayed and fasted. And they went again and again to the temple.

One day Sister Lewis came home from a temple session weary and worried, feeling the impact of so many days—and nights—of fear being held at bay only by monumental faith.

As she entered her home, four-year-old Katie ran up to her with love in her eyes and a crumpled sheaf of papers in her hand. Holding the papers out to her mother, she said enthusiastically, “Mommy, do you know what these are?”

Sister Lewis said frankly her first impulse was to deflect Katie’s zeal and say she didn’t feel like playing just then. But she thought of her children—all her children—and the possible regret of missed opportunities and little lives that pass too swiftly. So she smiled through her sorrow and said, “No, Katie. I don’t know what they are. Please tell me.”

“They are the scriptures,” Katie beamed back, “and do you know what they say?”

Sister Lewis stopped smiling, gazed deeply at this little child, knelt down to her level, and said, “Tell me, Katie. What do the scriptures say?”

“They say, ‘Trust Jesus.’” And then she was gone.

Sister Lewis said that as she stood back up, holding a fistful of her four-year-old’s scribbling, she felt near-tangible arms of peace encircle her weary soul and a divine stillness calm her troubled heart."(https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/look-to-god-and-live?)

 

I am grateful for the strength of the Temple.  I am grateful for the scriptures, words of the prophet, also for the internet where I can find and study both of them.  I am grateful for the power of prayer and the direction of the Holy Spirit to guide me.

Enjoying the cooler weather and out for a walk:)



My new tiger from clinic.



Just too cute to not post.



How I spend my time in clinic playing with my kindle fire.

 

 

 

 

50 / 50

Nicole is excited to share that we are 50 days post transplant!!  We are 1/2 way done before we can go home.  Nicole had clinic yesterday (8-5-2014), she is doing great.  She will start next week with her 4 weeks of LP with methotrexate (LP, Lumbar Puncture, is where they put her under to administer chemotherapy into her spine).  I thought we were done with chemo but hopefully this will be her last 4 doses forever.

These first 50 days have been hard for me this time.  With Nicole's first bone marrow transplant we felt strongly to just pack up the kids and bring them to Salt Lake with us.  This time we have felt that they needed to spend more time in Hyrum.  It's hard to be separated from James and the girls. 

Even though I have days that I feel alone (and when I say this, my family is a great support and so are many friends with facebook messages or a text reminding me they are still here for me.  I am forever grateful to the nurses at PCMC and homecare that always have a listening ear)  It's an alone feeling that I can't really describe in words.  But I love this thought by President Monson: "As we seek our Heavenly Father through fervent, sincere prayer and earnest, dedicated scripture study, our testimonies will become strong and deeply rooted. We will know of God’s love for us. We will understand that we do not ever walk alone. I promise you that you will one day stand aside and look at your difficult times, and you will realize that He was always there beside you."  In the same talk he shares a quote by President Benson that reminds us that when you feel alone remember prayer:

“All through my life the counsel to depend on prayer has been prized above almost any other advice I have … received. It has become an integral part of me—an anchor, a constant source of strength, and the basis of my knowledge of things divine. …

“… Though reverses come, in prayer we can find reassurance, for God will speak peace to the soul. That peace, that spirit of serenity, is life’s greatest blessing.”  President Monson adds "Allied with prayer in helping us cope in our often difficult world is scripture study.... As we read and ponder the scriptures, we will experience the sweet whisperings of the Spirit to our souls. We can find answers to our questions." (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/11/general-relief-society-meeting/we-never-walk-alone.p1?)  In Doctrine and Covenants 90:24 "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another."

I add my testimony of the power of prayer and scripture study.  They have brought peace to my mind and heart many times through out my life.  They have also brought answers to life challenges.  Our Father in Heaven didn't send us here in mortality to walk alone.  He gave us prayer to communicate with Him and scriptures where we can hear His voice.

Here are some pictures from Nicole clinic visit

Why is Kermit eating my new necklace!

Coloring in my new Minnie Mouse coloring book.

Look I am getting so big I can climb up in the chair by myself.

Refiner's Fire

Nicole is doing really well.  She is full of energy and loving life. 

Today I took Nicole out for a drive toward the Great Salt Lake.  As I was driving my mind was thinking about the past three years with Nicole.  It's been full of so many up and downs.  She has truly been a miracle.  To watch her overcome so many times where we didn't know if she would make it or not.  To be able to watch her play, laugh, and yes have a tantrum. There are no words to describe these experiences.

I thought about my other kids and how much they have missed out because of Nicole battling cancer.  We haven't been able to do much as a family.  Going out to eat, going to a movie or even attending church as a family hasn't happened much.  We've needed to keep Nicole away from crowds as much as possible.  Our children have handled it well, without complaint.  I know they are getting tired of this journey as much as James, Nicole and I are. 

Our family still has a long journey ahead of us. It's still two months before Nicole will be able to go home to Hyrum.  And, according to the doctors, it will probably be another 18 months before Nicole can be around large crowds. 

Just like the pioneers I know our family will also be able to stand, and be grateful for this journey.

"Some years ago President David O. McKay (1873–1970) told of the experience of some of those in the Martin handcart company. Many of these early converts had emigrated from Europe and were too poor to buy oxen or horses and a wagon. They were forced by their poverty to pull handcarts containing all of their belongings across the plains by their own brute strength. President McKay related an occurrence which took place some years after the heroic exodus:

“A teacher, conducting a class, said it was unwise ever to attempt, even to permit them [the Martin handcart company] to come across the plains under such conditions.”

Then President McKay quoted an observer who was present in that class: “Some sharp criticism of the Church and its leaders was being indulged in for permitting any company of converts to venture across the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart caravan afforded.

“An old man in the corner … sat silent and listened as long as he could stand it, then he arose and said things that no person who heard him will ever forget. His face was white with emotion, yet he spoke calmly, deliberately, but with great earnestness and sincerity.

“In substance [he] said, ‘I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here, for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there, too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? …

“‘I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.’”

He continues: “‘I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“‘Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.’” ^{1 (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/02/refined-in-our-trials?lang=eng)}

We are still in our journey but I know that my family will look back and also say "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay".  All of us will have our refiner's fires. Each of us will pay a price to become acquainted with God.  He will tailor that journey to suit each individual personally.  He loves each one of us.  He doesn't leave us!!


Just a little bath time:)

Time for a little coloring