Much of what I have written previously is sacred to me, but this post is particularly so; it is not meant for the eyes of the world, but for our family. Alma 9:12: "... It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God; nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him."
Cathy and I decided that we would make Nicole's blog private, then publish the "Broken Hearts" post, and then have the blog converted into a book of remembrance, to have hard-copies for ourselves and our children. However, as time has passed and I revisited this previously unpublished post, I felt that it wasn't complete, but I also haven't had the strength or courage to finish it. I know that Cathy has very much wanted to get the book of remembrance created, but she has been patient with me, and it is time.
It has been one year since these events occurred on Sunday, October 26, 2014; I feel to add some details that I didn't record, then share the original post, and then lastly make mention of some things that came afterword that relate to Nicole's final days here in mortality and some of the lessons I have learned as a result.
<October 2021 Insert - Begin>
After making updates to this "Broken Hearts" post in October 2015, I let this post and the project to create a book from the blog lie until now - October 2021. I have not further altered any content of this post, other than to add this paragraph; I could not have written now what I first wrote 7 years ago, nor what I added 6 years ago.
<October 2021 Insert - End>
Last year, at least a week earlier, perhaps longer, on Saturday, October 18, 2014 (which I wrote about in the Crossroads - You Are Brave post), Cathy had been wrestling with the Spirit of the Lord and she had come to know that it was Nicole's time to leave mortality; she knew in her mother's heart that her little girl would not be returning home with us as she had so many times in the past; it was time for her to return to her heavenly home instead. Throughout that difficult, painful week, the Spirit confirmed this truth to Cathy, and though it was heartbreaking and a sore trial of her faith, she had ears to hear it and prepared herself to submit to all the will of the Lord. Cathy is so good, so strong... I cannot say how dear she is to me, how much I love her!
(Here are a few pictures that I allowed our daughter, Kersten to take on Saturday, October 18, 2014):
During that same week, the Lord was also trying to prepare me for Nicole's departure, but, unlike Cathy, I was not yet ready to hear and accept this. For example, late one night during that week (probably Tuesday, October 21, 2014, but it may have been Monday), as I lay in bed next to Cathy in a room at the Ronald McDonald house inside PCMC, trying to fall to sleep, the Spirit whispered to me, in substance, "Will you give away all your sins and serve the Lord with all your heart, might, mind, and strength?" My puzzled response was, "I don't understand; is this an offer to preserve my daughter's life?" To which I was answered, "No. Are you willing to give away all your sins and serve the Lord with all your heart, might, mind, and strength, even if I take Nicole?" "Yes," I replied, and was asleep soon afterward.
As I have re-read what I wrote last year during the final days, and as I have thought of this and other experiences, I can see now that, "Nevertheless, I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know..." (Alma 10:6, emphasis added) During Nicole's first battle with leukemia, I do believe that I arrived at the point of humility that I was ready to let go of Nicole if that was God's will. However, after she finally made it home in October 2012, we grew to love her more and more, and over time, my feelings changed. I still felt that Nicole may not have a long life, but for several reasons, I became increasingly confident that she would stay with us for at least several more years.
The primary reason for my faith that Nicole would get through this relapse was because of an experience that I had in January, 2014, just a few weeks before Nicole was diagnosed with the relapse. Hezekiah was a righteous king of Israel (one of the few) and a contemporary of the prophet Isaiah, and seemingly by chance, I came across the following scripture in Isaiah 38:1-6: "In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. And Isaiah the prophet the son of Amoz came unto him, and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Set thine house in order: for thou shalt die, and not live. Then Hezekiah turned his face toward the wall, and prayed unto the Lord, And said, Remember now, O Lord, I beseech thee, how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. Then came the word of the Lord to Isaiah, saying, Go, and say to Hezekiah, Thus saith the Lord, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will add unto thy days fifteen years. And I will deliver thee and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria: and I will defend this city."
This scripture struck me with great force, and as I pondered on it, the feeling sank deep into my bones that Lord was saying to me, "James, I told you in the beginning that you would have Nicole for a time, and I now reconfirm this promise; I will add unto her days." This is the sixth scripture in the series that I wrote about (which was interrupted after the fourth scripture, due to Nicole's turn for the worse in October). When we learned of Nicole's relapse shortly afterword, and I thanked Heavenly Father (and still thank Him) for sending this comfort to me; it greatly strengthened my faith that Nicole would survive this new challenge.
However, I finally learned the real truth of this scripture and the Lord's message to me on Wednesday, October 29, two days after Nicole's departure. It was late, about 11 PM, and Cathy told me some hard things, but they were things I needed to hear. I went out into my back yard and knelt down on the grass. A cold wind was blowing, as it usually does here in Hyrum at night, and I poured-out my broken heart to God. As I did so, knowledge and an understanding of the truth, "of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come" (D&C 93:24) began to wash over me; I felt to my core the things that Cathy had said, and also that the Spirit was revealing to me, and I wept in anguish and remorse that I had been such a damn fool.
In my own words, Cathy basically told me that during the last week of Nicole's life, as she was softening her heart in humility to the Lord, I was hardening my heart against Him. I had a terrible, seething anger in me that I literally did not even recognize, but that both my wife and Nicole's nurses could discern. She told me that when I would leave the room, the nurses would ask her if I was going to be ok - she told them that I would, but only once I came to terms with things. She told me that if Nicole had died the previous weekend, she wondered if our marriage would even have survived. When Cathy first started saying these things to me, I was shocked and started to get defensive and angry, but as I clamped-down on these feelings and tried to really listen and accept what she was saying, the truth began to seep through my consciousness.
As I went outside into the wind and cold and prayed/cried, the Spirit of the Lord cut me to the quick; not only was what Cathy said true, but furthermore, that morning on Saturday, October 18 (Crossroads - You Are Brave) my little girl was given the choice to either return immediately to her heavenly home, or to remain and suffer until her parents, especially her father, could learn some things that he needed to learn, and submit his will to his Father's will, and become one with his wife. The hosts of heaven had arrived to escort her home, triumphant, but Nicole chose to stay and suffer. For me. She stayed and suffered because I was a fool, and needed powerful instruction that I could receive in no other way.
It was also revealed to me that in January, when Heavenly Father showed me the scripture about Hezekiah and spoke to my heart, He was not saying, "James, I told you in the beginning that you would have Nicole for a time, and I now reconfirm this promise; I will add unto her days." Rather, He was saying, "James, I told you in the beginning that you would have Nicole for a time; I have fulfilled this promise; I have added unto her days; now it is time for Nicole to return to Me."
I have a new perspective on the scriptures in the New Testament that indicate that Jesus plainly told his disciples about his imminent death, and yet "...they understood none of these things: and this saying was hid from them, neither knew they the things which were spoken." (Luke 18:34; see also Luke 9:45, Mark 9:32, and John 12:16). Just as the disciples' misperception of who the Messiah should be and what He should do clouded their understanding of his plain sayings to them, so do our misperceptions and personal desires sometimes cloud our understating of things that should otherwise be plain a clear to our understanding.
There is more that I could write, but it suffices me to conclude that over time, the bitter revelation that I received on that dark night has become a sweet, pure fountain that I am still drinking from, still learning from.
Last year, at least a week earlier, perhaps longer, on Saturday, October 18, 2014 (which I wrote about in the Crossroads - You Are Brave post), Cathy had been wrestling with the Spirit of the Lord and she had come to know that it was Nicole's time to leave mortality; she knew in her mother's heart that her little girl would not be returning home with us as she had so many times in the past; it was time for her to return to her heavenly home instead. Throughout that difficult, painful week, the Spirit confirmed this truth to Cathy, and though it was heartbreaking and a sore trial of her faith, she had ears to hear it and prepared herself to submit to all the will of the Lord. Cathy is so good, so strong... I cannot say how dear she is to me, how much I love her!
(Here are a few pictures that I allowed our daughter, Kersten to take on Saturday, October 18, 2014):
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| Saturday, October 18, 2014 |
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| Saturday, October 18, 2014 |
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| Saturday, October 18, 2014 |
As I have re-read what I wrote last year during the final days, and as I have thought of this and other experiences, I can see now that, "Nevertheless, I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know..." (Alma 10:6, emphasis added) During Nicole's first battle with leukemia, I do believe that I arrived at the point of humility that I was ready to let go of Nicole if that was God's will. However, after she finally made it home in October 2012, we grew to love her more and more, and over time, my feelings changed. I still felt that Nicole may not have a long life, but for several reasons, I became increasingly confident that she would stay with us for at least several more years.
The primary reason for my faith that Nicole would get through this relapse was because of an experience that I had in January, 2014, just a few weeks before Nicole was diagnosed with the relapse. Hezekiah was a righteous king of Israel (one of the few) and a contemporary of the prophet Isaiah, and seemingly by chance, I came across the following scripture in Isaiah 38:1-6: "In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. And Isaiah the prophet the son of Amoz came unto him, and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Set thine house in order: for thou shalt die, and not live. Then Hezekiah turned his face toward the wall, and prayed unto the Lord, And said, Remember now, O Lord, I beseech thee, how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. Then came the word of the Lord to Isaiah, saying, Go, and say to Hezekiah, Thus saith the Lord, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will add unto thy days fifteen years. And I will deliver thee and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria: and I will defend this city."
This scripture struck me with great force, and as I pondered on it, the feeling sank deep into my bones that Lord was saying to me, "James, I told you in the beginning that you would have Nicole for a time, and I now reconfirm this promise; I will add unto her days." This is the sixth scripture in the series that I wrote about (which was interrupted after the fourth scripture, due to Nicole's turn for the worse in October). When we learned of Nicole's relapse shortly afterword, and I thanked Heavenly Father (and still thank Him) for sending this comfort to me; it greatly strengthened my faith that Nicole would survive this new challenge.
However, I finally learned the real truth of this scripture and the Lord's message to me on Wednesday, October 29, two days after Nicole's departure. It was late, about 11 PM, and Cathy told me some hard things, but they were things I needed to hear. I went out into my back yard and knelt down on the grass. A cold wind was blowing, as it usually does here in Hyrum at night, and I poured-out my broken heart to God. As I did so, knowledge and an understanding of the truth, "of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come" (D&C 93:24) began to wash over me; I felt to my core the things that Cathy had said, and also that the Spirit was revealing to me, and I wept in anguish and remorse that I had been such a damn fool.
In my own words, Cathy basically told me that during the last week of Nicole's life, as she was softening her heart in humility to the Lord, I was hardening my heart against Him. I had a terrible, seething anger in me that I literally did not even recognize, but that both my wife and Nicole's nurses could discern. She told me that when I would leave the room, the nurses would ask her if I was going to be ok - she told them that I would, but only once I came to terms with things. She told me that if Nicole had died the previous weekend, she wondered if our marriage would even have survived. When Cathy first started saying these things to me, I was shocked and started to get defensive and angry, but as I clamped-down on these feelings and tried to really listen and accept what she was saying, the truth began to seep through my consciousness.
As I went outside into the wind and cold and prayed/cried, the Spirit of the Lord cut me to the quick; not only was what Cathy said true, but furthermore, that morning on Saturday, October 18 (Crossroads - You Are Brave) my little girl was given the choice to either return immediately to her heavenly home, or to remain and suffer until her parents, especially her father, could learn some things that he needed to learn, and submit his will to his Father's will, and become one with his wife. The hosts of heaven had arrived to escort her home, triumphant, but Nicole chose to stay and suffer. For me. She stayed and suffered because I was a fool, and needed powerful instruction that I could receive in no other way.
It was also revealed to me that in January, when Heavenly Father showed me the scripture about Hezekiah and spoke to my heart, He was not saying, "James, I told you in the beginning that you would have Nicole for a time, and I now reconfirm this promise; I will add unto her days." Rather, He was saying, "James, I told you in the beginning that you would have Nicole for a time; I have fulfilled this promise; I have added unto her days; now it is time for Nicole to return to Me."
I have a new perspective on the scriptures in the New Testament that indicate that Jesus plainly told his disciples about his imminent death, and yet "...they understood none of these things: and this saying was hid from them, neither knew they the things which were spoken." (Luke 18:34; see also Luke 9:45, Mark 9:32, and John 12:16). Just as the disciples' misperception of who the Messiah should be and what He should do clouded their understanding of his plain sayings to them, so do our misperceptions and personal desires sometimes cloud our understating of things that should otherwise be plain a clear to our understanding.
There is more that I could write, but it suffices me to conclude that over time, the bitter revelation that I received on that dark night has become a sweet, pure fountain that I am still drinking from, still learning from.
 |
| About 2 PM, Friday, October 24, 2014, immediately after the doctors extubated Nicole, changing her over from the ventilator to a CPAP. This is the last picture we have of Nicole in mortality. |
Anyway, going back to my main narrative, on that last Saturday evening, October 25, 2014, Cathy was snuggling with Nicole in her hospital bed. The top half of the bed was raised at an angle, so they were reclining in the bed, rather than laying down. Although Nicole had the BiPAP mask on and plenty of other things hooked to her, she was very content to be in her mother's arms; I can still picture the scene in my mind. Cathy didn't often sing to Nicole, but that night, she started singing songs from memory from the Children's Songbook. After a few songs, Cathy began singing I Lived in Heaven to Nicole. The first verse is:
I lived in heaven, a long time ago, it is true;
Lived there and loved there with people I know. So did you.
Then Heav'nly Father presented a beautiful plan,
All about earth and eternal salvation for man.
Due to the BiPAP mask, Nicole couldn't talk, but as Cathy sang the first two lines of the song, Nicole began to nod her head vigorously. Tears welled-up in my eyes, and Cathy's voice choked with emotion as she continued singing the song. We didn't say anything to each other, but Cathy knew then, and I know now, that Nicole was telling her parents that she was ready to go back to her heavenly home.
I wish that I could somehow comprehend what lay in the depths of the heart of Nicole's mother throughout that entire week, but it isn't possible; it is too sacred. Luke 2:19: "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." The only love greater than a mother's love is that of God Himself.
However, my heart still wasn't prepared, and my surface thoughts at the time were that Nicole was acknowledging the presence of the heavenly visitors who had been here with her for the past week, but not that it was time for her to go with them. Finally, the next morning, Sunday, October 26, the Lord got through to me and I bowed my head in submission to His will, though not right away. Cathy had stayed the night with our other girls at her sister Connie's house, so after waking up, I had a long time to sit alone with Nicole as she slept in her darkened hospital room.
That morning, the atmosphere of the hospital room for me was a complete opposite of what I had felt the week before, on the 18th and 19th. I felt depressed; there was a great emptiness inside me. As I sat there, pondering and praying in my heart to the Lord, no relief came. I felt as Lorenzo Snow once wrote that "the heavens seemed like brass over my head." I continued to plead with the Lord, but the oppressive feeling lingered, growing heavier as time passed.
When Cathy arrived, we spoke briefly and then sat quietly for a time. Then I said I needed to get outside, and I went for a walk around the hospital grounds. The morning was brisk and the sky was overcast, which reflected my mood, but it felt better than the hospital room. I prayed in an audible whisper as I walked, and paused to listen frequently for some response. My mood lightened a bit, but I still felt like the heavens were closed to me. Time passed and then feeling I needed to get back inside, in anguish, I told Heavenly Father that if this was the end then to please just end it and take her, and if it wasn't the end, then to please just end it and heal her and let us go home. I didn't want to lose my little girl, but if that was that, I didn't want her to suffer any more. Finally, an answer came; a familiar answer which I had received many times before: "Be patient." I half-laughed, half-cried, and then responded meekly, "alright, I will be patient." I felt better; I had received the strength I needed to wait patiently on the Lord, and headed back to Cathy and Nicole. Which leads to what I wrote a year ago...
Here is the (unaltered) post that I wrote on October 26, 2014:
<Begin Original Post>
As I indicated in my previous post, despite the important victory on Friday, Nicole still has a very hard battle ahead of her. When they took Nicole off the ventilator on Friday, they originally put her on CPAP, but within about 12 hours, she needed more support, and they put her on BiPAP. The BiPAP settings are about as high as they can go, so the only alternative from here would be back to the ventilator. We have instructed the doctors that we will not intubate her again. We have also instructed them not to intervene in the event of cardiac arrest. The doctors feel her heart is doing ok, but Nicole remains in a hard place, and the long battle is exhausting her. The doctors don't have a good explanation for her current respiratory challenge.
Nearly seven weeks ago, I wrote a post on this blog where I said that my family and I are ordinary people. I said, "We have our sins, our vices, our flaws, and our weakness, just like everyone else. We experience hardships and afflictions, just like everyone else." I had been feeling like the Lord was prompting me to write things, and I resisted, because they are personal and sacred to me, and also because I am well aware of my own weakness before the Lord; I see many examples of people around me who are true disciples of the Lord, Jesus Christ, and I know that I have much to improve in my own life. For anyone who reads this blog, please know that if I can experience God's love, God's power in my own life, then certainly you can. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of each of His children, and will sustain each of us through the trials we are called to go through if we turn to Him in faith, and call upon His holy name. And though "I fear lest [people] shall mock at [my] words," I also feel that I need to write them anyway.
Today the Lord called upon Cathy and I to place Nicole upon the altar of sacrifice and give her to Him. Jointly, we submitted to the will of the Lord. Only after each of us figuratively clasped the dagger, jointly raised it, and began the downward plunge, did the Lord prevent us and say, "It is enough."
I am no Abraham, Cathy is no Sarah, and Nicole is no Isaac (See Genesis 22) - we are a long, long way from the faith of that family, and unlike them, we have the advantage of hundreds of people fasting and praying in our behalf. But I know no better way to explain what happened today than to put it into the context of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac.
This morning (Sunday, 10/26), after our daughters had a chance to spend a few minutes sitting with their little sister, Cathy and I were alone with Nicole, sitting across from each other, on either side of her bed. After some time passed with each of us in our own thoughts, Cathy said to me, "The Lord is calling for her; I think it is time to let her go." I considered Cathy's statement, and after a few moments, I felt she was right. Despite everything, including the previous assurances we'd felt from the Lord, it was time.
We told Nicole's nurse that we needed some uninterrupted time. The nurse who had been with Nicole on the Life Flight in December 2011, and who has been with her many times during her stays in ICU - he was working today, so we also asked Nicole's nurse to see if he could come and help me administer a priesthood blessing to Nicole.
Cathy and I knelt down on either side of the bed with Nicole between us, and Nicole's one free hand joined ours as we clasped our hands together. I prayed. Then Cathy prayed. We poured out our souls to God; we told Him that we felt He was calling Nicole home; we told Him that we would not withhold our daughter from Him, and pled with Him to confirm our decision.
Then we invited Nicole's Life Flight nurse in, and explained to him that we felt that the Lord was telling us to let Nicole go, that we needed to end the fight. The Life Flight nurse anointed Nicole's head with oil by the power of the priesthood, in the name of the Lord, and then I sealed the anointing, pleading for the Lord to guide my words as we released her from her mortal struggle and placed her into God's care.
After the blessing, we called in the ICU doctors and told them our decision. After a few minutes, as the discussion was winding down, the cardiac doctors and bone marrow doctors both came into the room within moments of each other, though none of them had been summoned. We informed them of our decision, and there was further discussion. The doctors understood our position, and would support us; no one could gainsay that Nicole had fought valiantly, and that things were to the point again where hard decisions must be made. Then, as the discussion seemed to be drawing to a close, the bone marrow doctor made a remark which had scarcely left his mouth when I felt the Spirit say, "It is enough; now listen to this man!"
Through the voice of the Spirit, the bone marrow doctor became the angel, saying to us, "Lay not thine hand upon the [girl], neither do thou any thing unto [her]: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy...[daughter] from me." (Genesis 22:12). And time will tell, but a steroid may be the ram in the thicket.
The next couple of days are going to be long, hard days, but I feel a peace today that I have not felt for the past ten days. We will continue to wait patiently on the Lord for His arm of deliverance to be revealed.
<End Original Post>
Heavenly Father spared Isaac (Genesis 22), but took Nicole; He spared Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego (Daniel 3), but took the three virgins (Abraham 1). The difference in these events is not due to a lack of faith; these things were all done in God's infinite wisdom, and were in accordance to his will. In the book of Hebrews, in the eleventh chapter, Paul first testifies of many mighty miracles that were wrought by faith, but then closes with this testimony of those who suffered, and who were not delivered, but nevertheless "obtained a good report through faith." As it is written, "and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth. And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise: God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect." (Hebrews 11:35-40; JST verse 40). Our Savior, Jesus Christ, had perfect faith in His Father, and though he pled with the Father to remove the bitter cup (see Luke 22:42), he nevertheless submitted to His Father's will; as it written, "Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified shall come into the world. And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning." (3 Nephi 11:10-11). Jesus suffered and was slain precisely because of His perfect faith in His Father's great plan of Redemption, and because of his infinite love for each one of us.
I want to write about the law of sacrifice, but that would be a long post all by itself, and it is time for an end...
As I reflect upon these events a year later, I feel to thank my Heavenly Father yet again for His great mercy on our family; true it is that I had hoped that He would spare Nicole, just as He spared Isaac, but nevertheless the Lord did show great mercy to us...
So far as we (including the doctors) knew at that time, it was still medically possible that Nicole would pull through this, just as she done in other dire circumstances over the past three years. Nicole's situation was grim, but it was not medically hopeless; the Lord did not want Cathy and I to simply accept the inevitable, but rather, He wanted us to become truly one with each other, and with Him; He asked us to exercise our faith in Him and put our trust wholly in Him rather than the arm of flesh.
It had taken a week to get me there, but our hearts were finally knit together, and Cathy and I were resolute and united in our conviction that the Lord wanted us to remove the medical support that Nicole was receiving. Had the Spirit not whispered the words of Genesis 22:12 at that moment, then Cathy and I would have lived the rest of our mortal lives with the knowledge that we were ultimately responsible for Nicole's death. I can only imagine but there would likely have been a specter of doubt lurking in the back of my mind about the decision that we had made - had we truly done the right thing? Was it truly the Lord's will that we end the fight and let her die, even after all that she had suffered through and yet still lived?
Instead, in His tender mercy, God accepted our offering, and then one day later, with both Cathy and I present, He took Nicole to His bosom in the twinkling of an eye.
I testify that there is a God in Heaven; He is real, and we are his literal spirit offspring (see Acts 17:28-29). I bear witness that our Heavenly Father's love for us is as infinite and eternal as He is. I know that "The family is ordained of God." I know that Jesus is the Christ, the Anointed One, and that "...God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16). I know that Christ is both "the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world." (Revelation 13:8) as well as "the resurrection, and the life" (John 11:25) and because of Him, in a future day we will see our precious little princess Nicole stand before us, glorified in the flesh in the morning of the First Resurrection, and we will have the privilege to embrace her in our arms again as we have so many times before. I testify that, "When the Savior shall appear we shall see him as he is. We shall see that he is a man like ourselves. And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy." (D&C 130:1-2), "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." (Revelation 21:4). I testify that "...as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9). I know these things to be true, because God has made them manifest unto me by the power of the Holy Ghost, and I bear testimony of these things in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I lived in heaven, a long time ago, it is true;
Lived there and loved there with people I know. So did you.
Then Heav'nly Father presented a beautiful plan,
All about earth and eternal salvation for man.
Due to the BiPAP mask, Nicole couldn't talk, but as Cathy sang the first two lines of the song, Nicole began to nod her head vigorously. Tears welled-up in my eyes, and Cathy's voice choked with emotion as she continued singing the song. We didn't say anything to each other, but Cathy knew then, and I know now, that Nicole was telling her parents that she was ready to go back to her heavenly home.
I wish that I could somehow comprehend what lay in the depths of the heart of Nicole's mother throughout that entire week, but it isn't possible; it is too sacred. Luke 2:19: "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." The only love greater than a mother's love is that of God Himself.
However, my heart still wasn't prepared, and my surface thoughts at the time were that Nicole was acknowledging the presence of the heavenly visitors who had been here with her for the past week, but not that it was time for her to go with them. Finally, the next morning, Sunday, October 26, the Lord got through to me and I bowed my head in submission to His will, though not right away. Cathy had stayed the night with our other girls at her sister Connie's house, so after waking up, I had a long time to sit alone with Nicole as she slept in her darkened hospital room.
That morning, the atmosphere of the hospital room for me was a complete opposite of what I had felt the week before, on the 18th and 19th. I felt depressed; there was a great emptiness inside me. As I sat there, pondering and praying in my heart to the Lord, no relief came. I felt as Lorenzo Snow once wrote that "the heavens seemed like brass over my head." I continued to plead with the Lord, but the oppressive feeling lingered, growing heavier as time passed.
When Cathy arrived, we spoke briefly and then sat quietly for a time. Then I said I needed to get outside, and I went for a walk around the hospital grounds. The morning was brisk and the sky was overcast, which reflected my mood, but it felt better than the hospital room. I prayed in an audible whisper as I walked, and paused to listen frequently for some response. My mood lightened a bit, but I still felt like the heavens were closed to me. Time passed and then feeling I needed to get back inside, in anguish, I told Heavenly Father that if this was the end then to please just end it and take her, and if it wasn't the end, then to please just end it and heal her and let us go home. I didn't want to lose my little girl, but if that was that, I didn't want her to suffer any more. Finally, an answer came; a familiar answer which I had received many times before: "Be patient." I half-laughed, half-cried, and then responded meekly, "alright, I will be patient." I felt better; I had received the strength I needed to wait patiently on the Lord, and headed back to Cathy and Nicole. Which leads to what I wrote a year ago...
Here is the (unaltered) post that I wrote on October 26, 2014:
<Begin Original Post>
As I indicated in my previous post, despite the important victory on Friday, Nicole still has a very hard battle ahead of her. When they took Nicole off the ventilator on Friday, they originally put her on CPAP, but within about 12 hours, she needed more support, and they put her on BiPAP. The BiPAP settings are about as high as they can go, so the only alternative from here would be back to the ventilator. We have instructed the doctors that we will not intubate her again. We have also instructed them not to intervene in the event of cardiac arrest. The doctors feel her heart is doing ok, but Nicole remains in a hard place, and the long battle is exhausting her. The doctors don't have a good explanation for her current respiratory challenge.
Nearly seven weeks ago, I wrote a post on this blog where I said that my family and I are ordinary people. I said, "We have our sins, our vices, our flaws, and our weakness, just like everyone else. We experience hardships and afflictions, just like everyone else." I had been feeling like the Lord was prompting me to write things, and I resisted, because they are personal and sacred to me, and also because I am well aware of my own weakness before the Lord; I see many examples of people around me who are true disciples of the Lord, Jesus Christ, and I know that I have much to improve in my own life. For anyone who reads this blog, please know that if I can experience God's love, God's power in my own life, then certainly you can. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of each of His children, and will sustain each of us through the trials we are called to go through if we turn to Him in faith, and call upon His holy name. And though "I fear lest [people] shall mock at [my] words," I also feel that I need to write them anyway.
Today the Lord called upon Cathy and I to place Nicole upon the altar of sacrifice and give her to Him. Jointly, we submitted to the will of the Lord. Only after each of us figuratively clasped the dagger, jointly raised it, and began the downward plunge, did the Lord prevent us and say, "It is enough."
I am no Abraham, Cathy is no Sarah, and Nicole is no Isaac (See Genesis 22) - we are a long, long way from the faith of that family, and unlike them, we have the advantage of hundreds of people fasting and praying in our behalf. But I know no better way to explain what happened today than to put it into the context of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac.
This morning (Sunday, 10/26), after our daughters had a chance to spend a few minutes sitting with their little sister, Cathy and I were alone with Nicole, sitting across from each other, on either side of her bed. After some time passed with each of us in our own thoughts, Cathy said to me, "The Lord is calling for her; I think it is time to let her go." I considered Cathy's statement, and after a few moments, I felt she was right. Despite everything, including the previous assurances we'd felt from the Lord, it was time.
We told Nicole's nurse that we needed some uninterrupted time. The nurse who had been with Nicole on the Life Flight in December 2011, and who has been with her many times during her stays in ICU - he was working today, so we also asked Nicole's nurse to see if he could come and help me administer a priesthood blessing to Nicole.
Cathy and I knelt down on either side of the bed with Nicole between us, and Nicole's one free hand joined ours as we clasped our hands together. I prayed. Then Cathy prayed. We poured out our souls to God; we told Him that we felt He was calling Nicole home; we told Him that we would not withhold our daughter from Him, and pled with Him to confirm our decision.
Then we invited Nicole's Life Flight nurse in, and explained to him that we felt that the Lord was telling us to let Nicole go, that we needed to end the fight. The Life Flight nurse anointed Nicole's head with oil by the power of the priesthood, in the name of the Lord, and then I sealed the anointing, pleading for the Lord to guide my words as we released her from her mortal struggle and placed her into God's care.
After the blessing, we called in the ICU doctors and told them our decision. After a few minutes, as the discussion was winding down, the cardiac doctors and bone marrow doctors both came into the room within moments of each other, though none of them had been summoned. We informed them of our decision, and there was further discussion. The doctors understood our position, and would support us; no one could gainsay that Nicole had fought valiantly, and that things were to the point again where hard decisions must be made. Then, as the discussion seemed to be drawing to a close, the bone marrow doctor made a remark which had scarcely left his mouth when I felt the Spirit say, "It is enough; now listen to this man!"
Through the voice of the Spirit, the bone marrow doctor became the angel, saying to us, "Lay not thine hand upon the [girl], neither do thou any thing unto [her]: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy...[daughter] from me." (Genesis 22:12). And time will tell, but a steroid may be the ram in the thicket.
The next couple of days are going to be long, hard days, but I feel a peace today that I have not felt for the past ten days. We will continue to wait patiently on the Lord for His arm of deliverance to be revealed.
<End Original Post>
Heavenly Father spared Isaac (Genesis 22), but took Nicole; He spared Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego (Daniel 3), but took the three virgins (Abraham 1). The difference in these events is not due to a lack of faith; these things were all done in God's infinite wisdom, and were in accordance to his will. In the book of Hebrews, in the eleventh chapter, Paul first testifies of many mighty miracles that were wrought by faith, but then closes with this testimony of those who suffered, and who were not delivered, but nevertheless "obtained a good report through faith." As it is written, "and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth. And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise: God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect." (Hebrews 11:35-40; JST verse 40). Our Savior, Jesus Christ, had perfect faith in His Father, and though he pled with the Father to remove the bitter cup (see Luke 22:42), he nevertheless submitted to His Father's will; as it written, "Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified shall come into the world. And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning." (3 Nephi 11:10-11). Jesus suffered and was slain precisely because of His perfect faith in His Father's great plan of Redemption, and because of his infinite love for each one of us.
I want to write about the law of sacrifice, but that would be a long post all by itself, and it is time for an end...
As I reflect upon these events a year later, I feel to thank my Heavenly Father yet again for His great mercy on our family; true it is that I had hoped that He would spare Nicole, just as He spared Isaac, but nevertheless the Lord did show great mercy to us...
So far as we (including the doctors) knew at that time, it was still medically possible that Nicole would pull through this, just as she done in other dire circumstances over the past three years. Nicole's situation was grim, but it was not medically hopeless; the Lord did not want Cathy and I to simply accept the inevitable, but rather, He wanted us to become truly one with each other, and with Him; He asked us to exercise our faith in Him and put our trust wholly in Him rather than the arm of flesh.
It had taken a week to get me there, but our hearts were finally knit together, and Cathy and I were resolute and united in our conviction that the Lord wanted us to remove the medical support that Nicole was receiving. Had the Spirit not whispered the words of Genesis 22:12 at that moment, then Cathy and I would have lived the rest of our mortal lives with the knowledge that we were ultimately responsible for Nicole's death. I can only imagine but there would likely have been a specter of doubt lurking in the back of my mind about the decision that we had made - had we truly done the right thing? Was it truly the Lord's will that we end the fight and let her die, even after all that she had suffered through and yet still lived?
Instead, in His tender mercy, God accepted our offering, and then one day later, with both Cathy and I present, He took Nicole to His bosom in the twinkling of an eye.
I testify that there is a God in Heaven; He is real, and we are his literal spirit offspring (see Acts 17:28-29). I bear witness that our Heavenly Father's love for us is as infinite and eternal as He is. I know that "The family is ordained of God." I know that Jesus is the Christ, the Anointed One, and that "...God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16). I know that Christ is both "the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world." (Revelation 13:8) as well as "the resurrection, and the life" (John 11:25) and because of Him, in a future day we will see our precious little princess Nicole stand before us, glorified in the flesh in the morning of the First Resurrection, and we will have the privilege to embrace her in our arms again as we have so many times before. I testify that, "When the Savior shall appear we shall see him as he is. We shall see that he is a man like ourselves. And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy." (D&C 130:1-2), "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." (Revelation 21:4). I testify that "...as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9). I know these things to be true, because God has made them manifest unto me by the power of the Holy Ghost, and I bear testimony of these things in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
